my stand, my covenant.

i'm really glad that i've made the decision to go for baptism classes starting from this sunday 2nd aug. i've always thought that parental approval was necessary. so did my sister. then, i remembered she quarrelled a great deal with my disapproving and unbelieving dad. so furious was he that night at the thought of it. he smashed that angel porcelain which my sister had. i was young and my sister was afraid. frightened we both were. i never liked my dad. the things he says dont equate. he's superstitious, demanding and temperamental. probably of his generation of men. with the influence of my grandma. i didnt have a proper childhood. when i was 5 or 6, i'll help my dad with the vegetables. bundling the vegetables with rubberbands to using a knife to cut vegetables. i dwelled the wet markets. *i should stop here* i vowed to myself to never be like him. i forgive him coz God forgave me.

pardon my inadequacies in life. i will learn.

p.s: apologies for the deviation in topic. but yah..these things i'll never say. thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to draw closer to you.

happiness.

happiness : we're in this together.

this happiness isnt the sort that brings lots of "heehee" or "haha" or will make you ROFL almost always but instead this happiness will push you to your very limit. till the point where you will frustrate, bitch abt every single misfortune you come across, blame yourself for being yourself, you try to focus but you just can't, your mind just switches to the darker and more emo side of you.

and time will transverse with your happenings until somebody or anybody comes along to show a sincere amount of concern and love. or that special someone whispers into ur ear and say, "We're in this together."

that very moment, you'll exhale that very breath you've kept in ur chest all this while and realise, He loves you and has always been waiting for you to walk this journey with Him.

God is my happiness.
care to be like Him? coz i'm trying. with love and patience:)

=/

went to the hospital (SGH) yest to get a some consultation and diagnosis on my knees happenings. i'm still walkable. haha. just the occasional buckling. *cancel last order* er..a bit more frequent buckling. :) doc at A&E could not determine the cause of my discomfort even with my lucid derivation of the pain. thus i've a date with an orthopaedic (world acclaimed) on the 5th aug. :) meanwhile, i'm keeping my strides to the minimum. and praying i can get up and going. :)

i got myself an ipod earphone with a mic! which means if there's wireless access, i can skype with a voice! :) hope you see where i'm coming from. :)

from the bottom of my heart.

somehow or rather, i wish you would know the battles i fight each day. every opportunity arises, i would seize and give to you. i brainstorm day and night thinking of how to draw this gap closer. literally/non-literally. i've evaluated a few. we'll see if it works. but i'm losing steam. a hand cannot produce a clap. it needs two to clap. help me out here. i'm trying. then often i'll ask myself again, "am i trying hard enough?" followed by (army style) "you ain't trying if you aint dying." but then again, how much is enough? we're talking about perfection now. i'm not. :l i love you.

the rehearsals :S

idk. i havent been living a very healthy life. coming home to a tired me. a me that concerns only myself. self being selfish. this thought came down so hard on me that i realise i'm slowly losing my identity. morphing into a whimsically stranger. :(

i need time off. time off to breathe.
i need a friend. friend that would sincerely feel for me and give me a forceful hug.
i need God. God to slap me hard on the face so that i can remember.

(..)

i'm on newspaper! :D

YAY!!! can you see me? :):) i'm on the papers. TODAY paper. front page. the picture of DPM braving the pouring rain. you see a white line somewhere one fifth from the top right of the picture? i'm the head just left of it! heehee..yahh..the malay bride. not exactly the cutest of all puppets/dolls. but yah..managed to make a couple of kids happy by letting them pull my "skirt". those perverse and demonic kids. haha! the participants had a truck loads of FUN in the rain. singing the national anthem in the rain. dancing in the rain. being in the rain in the rain. haha! :D

ohh~ bsf and me.. =D

crashed bsf again today. :) i'm so sorry for the last minute cancellation of our appointment. or maybe there wasnt any. but i'm sorry still. BSF...ahh~ God spoke to me again. I think i ought to reflect hard on what He has said to me today. (deep voice) "Will YOU, my Son, be HOLY?" to lead a holy life characterised by purity both inward and outward. wahh~ *slaps myself for being the opposite* i need to stay focus. to constantly constantly CONSTANTLY align myself to God's will. AHH!!! *slaps myself again* to let my sins die and never to be revived.

reaching out for that beacon of light! :)

sunday! :):)

today's youth day for the church. :) not exactly youthful anymore. but the spirit was willing! anyhows, woke up really early to go for a dry run on the songs. 8am at graham white library?! fought a tough battle with my comfy bed. but of course, the will to sing for God and the thought of going to church itself stood strong. :D i thought that the songs were very meaningful. sang with a lot of heart definitely. after that, we had a youth lunch at CNS. played "dont forget the lyrics". so we split up into various groups. the bolder stood out, whereas the shy shunned. although there were many laughs but i felt the need to interact with one another was a tad short. :) anyhows, job well done to the organisers. then we had bible study. listening but was mentally tired from yesterday's NDP rehearsal... (stood in the rain and perform lor :S + slack of sleep)

nice catching up with rae and yuchian. =)

comedy covered (o"j)

transversing on the eastbound mrt. i was listening to my ipod with the earphone cords dangling. a schoolboy stood by the sliding doors awaiting to alight at the next station, queenstown mrt station. "Ding Dong! Queenstown Mrt station." the doors slid open. next thing i know, the cord of my earphone got caught with the boy's schoolbag and i was on my way, sucked out of the train.. frantically trying to unhinge the cord hooked to his cunning bag. i made it back to the mrt. i buried my head all the way to dhoby ghaut. with the giggles of the school girls that witnessed the entire sequel..zxzxz.. (-______-)"

the beauty of this world. uncovered. =)

i dont know.

i dont know. i just wait. wait for a response. hoping to hear you from the other side. to refresh the status of your well-being in my mind. all of these may not seem apparent to you. or you might just think otherwise. (pause for a while) *just thought of a joke* here it goes. "you seemed really tired. i guess its probably coz you've been running through my mind." hahaha! okay..i guess you got the message i'm trying to bring across. i care for you. and you're missed dearly. =) i dont know how else to put it. i'm thinking. thinking of ways to update you about myself. fearing that in cold nights, the loneliness just describes the coldness. to be spiritually accountable for each other. so i pray. that you'll be fine and God is watching over you. :)

sincerely, truthfully.